


Goodnight Moon

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, Caretaking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e03 Terrorform, Episode: s06e03 Gunmen of The Apocalypse, Episode: s06e05 Rimmerworld, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mind Palace, Misunderstandings, PTSD, Pre-Slash, Regression, Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 05:13:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7495191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rimmer returns from Rimmerworld the only thing Lister wants to know is “WHY?” Why did he leave them? What made him go? But when it appears the Hologram is too traumatised to even speak after his ordeal, Lister has to take desperate measures to find out the truth. A truth that is different from anything he expected …</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “Not real …”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer seems completely normal when he returns from Rimmerworld. But is everything as it seems?

As Arnold Rimmer lay unconscious on the medi-scan and Kryten frantically typed in codes, Dave Lister looked on. He was worried, but so much more than that. After what happened today he was unsure which emotion inside of him needed his attention most: guilt, anger or confusion.  
  
“You seriously claim he was on that weird planet for six hundred years?” He asked incredulous, for what was probably the tenth time that hour.  
  
Lister just couldn't grasp it. The first thing he'd noticed when they had found him in that jail was that Rimmer had not changed a bit, at least not physically. He was confused but appeared normal for the rest. If he was honnest he still saw nothing really different about the Hologram now. But he felt he should. As according to Kryten's scan readings his bunkmate really was now 637. Lister kept staring at the readings, trying to process them. Sixhundred and thirty seven ... that was a ridicules age for anyone to be.  
  
“For the hundredth time Mr Lister, sir: Mr Rimmer only ages in your presence.”  
  
“Well … thank smeg for that!!” Lister muttered back. The true enormity of those words finally hitting home. He begun to wonder what Rimmer must have looked like had he truly physically aged six hundred years or how he would had coped with finding him like that. Imagine someone close to you living six hundred years while for you only an hour passes.  
  
No, at first glance nothing seemed to have changed, so Lister hadn't been very gentle with Rimmer when they had first rescued him from prison. He was furious with him for deserting them and had given him hell when they had arrived back on Starbug. He'd shouted at the Hologram for the good part of half an hour about his lack of loyalty, his cowardice, how his behaviour was not the Red Dwarf way. He was halfway through comparing him to a piece of degenerate slime when he realised that the man in front of him had not said one word in return. In fact, he hadn't spoken from the moment they'd left the prison, except for the brief few seconds where he tried to warn his future self, thinking it was his past self.  
He also noticed that Rimmer was still standing in the same spot of the Drive Room as he had when they first materialised back on the ship. His body rigid and his eyes focussing on him, only on him.  
  
“Rimmer?” He tried.  
  
Nothing.  
  
“Hey … are … are you okay?”  
  
“Lis … Lister …” Rimmer breathed in an unnervingly childlike sounding voice. “Your name is Lister …”

It was only then that Lister had taken a moment to pause and think. He'd been rather dismissive of Rimmer's amnesia in prison, caught up as he was in his own, very deserved, anger. He kept forgetting that although the whole event had happened in less than two hours from his point of view, and he was still furious in real time, Rimmer had actually been away for six hundred years. He now recalled that Kryten had said that Rimmer had spent centuries alone in a prison. Lister bit his nail. _“Centuries in prison”_ his brain repeated. He couldn't imagine what that was like. What he could imagine was that suddenly being back on the Starbug must obviously have been quite a shock for the Hologram and there he was shouting at him. Lister decided Rimmer had had enough punishment. He'd talk later, when Rimmer had some time to readjust.  
  
“Yes, yes Rimmer, you're right.” He said, a little softer now. “I'm Lister. You're safe, you're back on Starbug.”

“Bug …” Rimmer repeated, sounding dazed.  
  
“Yes, Arn, Bug.”

Then, while Lister tried to ask if Rimmer wanted a cup of tea, maybe, the Hologram suddenly started shaking uncontrollably as his breath became faster. He was still looking at Lister, the hazel eyes now full of unimaginable terror.  
  
“Not real …” He gasped. “Not Real!! Never free!!”  
  
“Rimmer … Arnold?” Lister asked with concern. He quickly put himself by Rimmer's side, but was unsure of what to do with him as the shaking seemed to be getting worse.  
  
“Kryten!!” He screamed. “Something's up with Rimmer!!”  
  
No reply. Okay, no worries. He could deal with this, Lister told himself, he'd coached Rimmer through panic attacks before.  
But this was different, so very different. The Hologram was shaking so much his teeth chattered and his body seemed to be convulsing.  
In a desperate attempt to calm him, Lister wrapped his arms around the shaking man in a massive bear hug.

“Rimmer, you're home, you're safe!!”  
  
To his relief the shaking stopped. But the joy was short-lived as Rimmer's body became limp in his arms and collapsed lifelessly to the floor.  
  
When Kryten finally answered to his cries for help, Rimmer was swiftly rushed to the medi-bay.  
And there they were now, scanning the still unconscious Hologram. Lister was very worried. The panic attack or whatever it was had seemed very severe. The whole incident had been rather terrifying and every time he remembered the hurt and fear he'd seen in Rimmer's eyes it felt like a punch in the gut.  
  
“Oh dear …”  
  
“Kryten? Is something wrong?”  
  
“Lie mode. No Sir, it's all under control.”  
  
“Don't Kryten, if something's wrong with him I need to know.”  
  
“Lie mode cancelled. It's … it's bad sir.”  
  
“Wha …? What is it, what's happened to him?”


	2. Apathetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister learns that some things take time.

Kryten sighed and fumbled with the scanner. The longer the silence lasted the more convinced Lister was that the news the Android had was very bad.

"Come on Kryten. You have to tell me sometime. What happened to him?"

Kryten blinked a few times, fidgeted a bit more, but then gave in. 

“It's easier to ask what hasn't happened to him, sir. The scan indicates that his entire body and psyche are riddled with stress and PTSD related illnesses that appear in people who have suffered severe continues trauma. There also is physical damage that can only have been caused by prolonged torture and … and … worse. According to further readings finally returning to us and Starbug was such a shock to his system it triggered a small sort of aneurysm in his brain. In fact it's a miracle that he's still alive, sir.”

"What?"  
  
Lister stared at the face that lay perfectly still on the pillow. He looked at his bunkmate, _really_ looked at him. And it was then that he could see that there _was_ something different about Rimmer: pain, exhaustion and fear had left their marks in a subtle, but still visible way.

“He … he must have gone through hell …” Lister whispered.

“He was IN hell, sir, for centuries.”  
  
“Smeg, and the first thing I do when he's finally free is shout at him.” Lister felt frustration rise in him. How could this have happened? He was only gone two hours!! Why did he have to be so stupid to leave like that?! “Damn it Rimmer, why?!!”  
  
The face of the sleeping Hologram twitched when hearing Lister raise his voice.  
  
“Arn?”  
  
“Please Sir, don't scare him and please don't wake him. I want to keep him asleep, he needs rest so his body can heal.”  
  
“But … how did this happen? Why did he collapse? He seemed perfectly fine when we got him out!”  
  
“Adrenaline from the shock of seeing us, sir. In some ways, after being in jail for so long, he'd probably never expected to see us again. This wreckage you see before you is the sad reality. What I don't understand is why he endured it, for so long."  
  
"What do you mean?" Lister felt confused.  
  
"All this pain, for so many years, while he could have ended it all, simply by switching off.”  
  
Lister looked at the Android in uncomfortable surprise.  
  
“He could?”  
  
“Oh yes, sir, at any time. I wonder why he didn't.”  
  
His anger long since faded into sadness and concern Lister walked to the medi-scan table and took Rimmer's hand.  
  
“Whatever happened to you …” he said softly, “you have to understand: it's over. You are safe now, you're home Arnold.”

No reply, he wasn't expecting one. He just hoped Rimmer had heard him and understood.  
  
“Let's get him to a bed, sir.” Kryten said kindly.  
  
Lister helped Kryten to clean Rimmer and put him to bed. They decided to give him a week to sleep, so his body and lightbee could heal. Lister silently worried that healing his mind would not be that easy.  
  
As the Hologram slept Lister sat by his bed for a few hours every day, taking to him, despite being certain the man could not hear him. He talked about not being angry any-more and kept asking him the one question that had been on his mind from the moment Rimmer had stepped into that escape pod: “What made you do it? What made you leave?”  
He couldn't grasp it: Rimmer had always been a bit of a coward, but when it came down to it, he was always there for the Posse in the end. He always came when any of them needed help, no matter how many objections he threw at them first and no matter how scared he might be. So for him to take of like that, there had to be something behind it.  
  
Unfortunately, it would be quite some time before Lister would get his answers. When Rimmer was woken up, a little over a week later, he was like nothing Lister had ever seen. For two days the Hologram sat up in bed apathetically. He seemed faintly aware of his surroundings, but did not speak. He just stared into space his hands fumbling with the duvet, looking lost.  
Desperate to talk to him, Lister wrecked his mind to find a way of reaching him, of showing him he was safe, that he was home.

It took a while, until suddenly Lister remembered: Rimmer's Teddy!! He recalled that the Hologram took it everywhere even though he didn't want them knowing it. Lister had never brought it up, even when he was really messing with Rimmer as a joke. It felt like something too personal and cruel.  
Yes, he'd try to find Rimmer's Teddy, he decided. It should not be too difficult: He had to have hidden it in his room when they went on the expedition that made them lose the Dwarf. If it was on board, wherever he'd hidden it, Lister vowed, he'd find it.  
  
It took Lister a lot longer than he'd expected. By the end of it he'd turned the Hologram's room upside down. It wasn't for nothing, though. Eventually he was rewarded, when he found it; hidden in a massive hollowed out astro-navigation study book.  
  
“I knew you hated your studies but this is slightly over the top.” Lister thought, but at the same time he smiled at his bunkmates cleverness.

The delight in Rimmer's face when he brought him the teddy more than made up for the hours of searching. Lister's heart leaped, seeing expression on the almost dead-like face for the first time in days. When Rimmer actually reached out for the bear he felt like doing cartwheels.  
  
“Here you go, Arnie.” He said softly, as he lay the bear in his arms.  
  
Rimmer immediately clutched the fluffy toy to his chest and sighed. Then ... nothing. This was quite a blow to Lister, who'd hoped that he might force a breakthrough. Yes, it  was a start, but to Lister's disappointment Rimmer still didn't speak. On the upside, though, he did appear a lot calmer.  
  
Patience, he had to have patience, Lister had told himself. But Lister wasn't a patient man and Rimmer's recovery was so slow.  
After he received his bear and finally seemed at least vaguely aware of being home, Rimmer gradually became a bit more active. Lister rejoiced: it wouldn't be long now and he'd have Rimmer back, he knew it!!  
He was wrong: after a week Rimmer still didn't really interact with anyone. He clung to Lister and didn't want him to leave the room while he kept clutching his bear. After being hopeful for some time Lister's joy at the progress turned to worry, when he noticed that Rimmer looked and acted very “childlike”.   
  
There was something seriously off but Lister wasn't sure how to describe it when he asked Kryten about it. How could you describe something you could only sense? Still, the Android understood.  
  
“I think he has mentally regressed, sir.”  
  
“Regressed?”  
  
“It is a coping mechanism the brain uses to protect itself against trauma. Regression entails an intentional retreat to some more primitive state of mind. Examples of this type of behaviour are: a lost child weeping for its mother; a mature man or woman clutching a teddy for comfort when upset. It is a natural way of coping: the strong as well as the weak retreat when they are traumatized.”  
  
“Okay, but why is he acting like a backward three year old? He didn't have to go back that far.”  
  
“You keep forgetting how long this horrific abuse lasted sir. Six centuries can't be forgotten in six days  Also, some respond to trauma or pain like teenagers while others behave like little children or even infants. Contrary to what one might anticipate, the extent of regression has little to do with the seriousness of the pain or trauma, but it depends on the long-lasting damage from whatever serious trauma one has experienced as a child.  
Most people have events of which they say: "I have never truly recovered." the brain keeps those moments on file in the human equivalent of a long-term memory bank. When a new traumatic event occurs along those lines, the individual reverts to that very stage and reacts similarly as if they have regressed back in time.”  
  
Lister felt slightly baffled by Kryten's explanation. The Android must have noticed, as he tried to explain again.  
  
“You see, Sir … Adults whose teen-age years have been spoiled in one way or another will react to their pain or trauma by regressing to their teenage years. If severe damage occurred during early childhood, it is that time in their childhood that will be revisited. Mr Rimmer first experienced trauma well … probably before he reached the age of three …”  
  
So Rimmer had regressed … That was a blow to Lister, who liked things to be fixed fast and easily and desperately wanted to talk to him. What was more, they didn't have the facilities to properly care for Rimmer in Starbug. This was going to be hard. Still, he was certain, they would manage. They had to, didn't they?


	3. "Listy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer can't be left alone ...

The first thing the Dwarfers had to do after Kryten decided to let Rimmer leave the medical unit was to move him to Lister's room. They had tried to put him in his own room first, as they'd expect he'd like the normalcy of being with his own things. But the threesome soon found that he could not be left on his own.

The sounds of the pipes seemed to terrify him, and at night he woke up the rest of the crew half a dozen times with agonised screams and weeping. The would find him petrified and shaking and nothing they could say or do would calm him. The only one who seemed able to reach him was Lister. So most of the nightly counselling fell on him.

When Lister came to check on him for the ninth time that night, his heart broke a little when he found Rimmer standing in the middle of the room, clutching his teddy, looking like a humiliated little boy. When Lister looked closer he soon understood why. To his horror the Hologram had wet himself with fear.  
Lister swallowed hard: this was wrong! The man in front of him was Arnold J. Rimmer, a man who survived on his pride, who'd rather suffer agony than show weakness. One thing was certain: he could not let the others see him like this.  
He quickly sprang into action.  
  
Lister carefully helped Rimmer out of the wet pyjamas and eased him into clean ones. Then he took the soiled sheets and covers and quickly replaced them with fresh ones. He'd never done it before, but years of watching Kryten do it, helped and he was rather pleased with the result. After he had cleaned everything he gathered the stained goods into a bag and flushed all reminders of what happened out of an airlock.  
Job done.  
  
He turned around to find Rimmer who stared at him helplessly. Lister wrapped his arm around his shoulder and shot him a smile.  
  
“You're not staying here …”  
  
Saying these words he saw an immediate panic in Rimmer's eyes and understood the man feared he meant that he was sending him back to that damn planet.

“No, no. I mean you're gonna sleep in the quiet room with company Arnie. Come on.”  
  
Rimmer seemed to understand and followed Lister to his room where they found the Cat waiting for them.  
  
“Hey Goalpost head, how are you?” The Cat asked softly, seeing him shuffle in behind Lister.  
  
To Lister's surprise, the Feline had shown surprising patience and consideration for Rimmer, since his collapse. He did not even have to warn him not to joke about the teddy Rimmer kept clutching. It was as if the Cat sensed that this was serious.  
  
“Could you look after him, Cat?” Lister semi whispered to him.  
  
The Cat frowned, looking as if Lister had said something stupid.

“Me, why? I'm sure he prefers you.”  
  
Lister raised an eyebrow. Why would the Cat think that? He shook his head.

“Hey, Cat, see, I don't wanna ban you to the other room, man. So I decided I'll sleep there.”  
  
He suddenly felt someone grab his wrist, tightly. He turned round to see Rimmer looking at him, pleadingly.  
  
“Listy …?”  
  
Hearing Rimmer say his name brought a lump to Lister's throat: It was the first thing the Hologram had said since he'd woken up.  
  
“Arnie? Hey, you're talking? What is it?”

Rimmer kept staring at him, not saying anything else, but his grip round Lister's wrist ever tighter now.  
  
“See? He clearly wants you to stay with him, bud. Fine with me as I haven't got a clue what to do with him. You're not banning me to anywhere. I'm a Cat, I sleep where I like. Night y'all.”  
  
The Cat made his way to the door, but suddenly stopped to stare at Rimmer's blank face for a second and sighed.  
  
“I never thought I'd say it ... but ... I miss you, bud …”  
  
Then he walked out of the room to find a place to snooze.  
  
Lister felt a sadness overwhelm him. What did that Cat sense? Was the situation hopeless? Would he never get his chance to speak to Rimmer? Seeing the man stand in the middle of the room, looking at Lister in confusion, he shook himself out of the despair he felt.  
  
“See that bunk, Arn? You can sleep there and I go on top, alright? Just like when we were on Red Dwarf.”  
  
Rimmer timidly crawled into the bottom bunk and curled up, his teddy still in his arms.  
“637 and he looks like a smegging frightened child.” Lister thought bitterly.  
  
He wanted to climb into his own bunk, hoping to finally get some sleep, but … not yet.  
  
“Listy …” Rimmer muttered again.  
With a sigh Lister sat himself next to the bunk and took Rimmer's hand. The Hologram stared at him, without blinking, his eyes seemingly transfixed. Lister begun to feel uncomfortable. What could he do to get him to go to sleep?  
  
“Want … want me to read you a story, Rimmer?”  
  
There was no reply, but he would give it a go. Rimmer was a child now, he reminded himself, and children liked stories. He recalled that they'd taken a few kids books with them during one of their raids, just for when he got really, really bored. Now they might be able to serve a far better purpose as the rhythm of a story could calm him, maybe. He carefully let go of Rimmer's hand to look for a story that was safe for the Hologram to hear. A story that was cosy, safe, easy to read and without ghosts and monsters. Sifting through three books that included some form of scary entities and violence it was a relieve to find one he remembered from when he was a child on earth. _Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown_. His grandmother had read it to him to calm him when he'd been scared at night. It was a story that could also be a lullaby as the rhythm was soothing.  
  
Smiling happily he set himself down on the chair next to Rimmer's bunk again, and begun:

 _In the great green room_  
_There was a telephone_  
_And a red balloon_  
_And a picture of-_  
_The cow jumping over the moon_

Halfway through reading the story Rimmer had indeed begun to calm down from the soothing rhythm of the tale. He had closed his eyes and cuddled his teddy. Then, as Lister read it a second time, he became aware that Rimmer's breathing was becoming slower and more regular. Lister closed his eyes and cheered soundlessly: YES!! He was finally sleeping!! Quickly he climbed into his own bunk and was out like a light.

It was a small but important victory,  but as yet Lister had by no means won the war.


	4. "Why?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Rimmer regresses deeper Lister's frustration about not knowing why he left builds.

“Why did you have to be so smegging stupid.” Lister thought.  
  
What had made him do it? What had made him leave? This was the only thought on Lister's mind as the days went by and Rimmer became increasingly erratic.  
  
They all had to tiptoe around the Hologram: sudden noises, loud or raised voices and unexpected touches could unsettle him for hours on end. Lister had never seen a person so traumatised. Everything seemed to scare him and Lister often found him hiding in the strangest places, shaking and whimpering.  
  
The Cat, to Lister's great surprise, was a Godsend. Contradicting all expectations the naturally selfish Feline showed great care and patience towards the semi catatonic Rimmer. He sat with him for hours, repeating words and phrases and even let him play with his “shiny things” when he saw Rimmer staring at them. Seeing Rimmer completely emerged in rolling around a piece of tinfoil was more than Lister could bear.  
  
At night there were endless nightmares and panic attacks that gave neither Rimmer nor Lister much time to sleep. The only thing that seemed to calm his bunkmate was Lister reading him “Goodnight Moon”, which he did every night now. It had become a ritual: Lister sitting next to the bunk and Rimmer curled up in bed, with his teddy clutched in his arms, gazing up at him with a look in his eyes that was almost … adoration. This was the only time during the day that Lister felt calm too.

 _And there were three little bears sitting on chairs_  
_And two little kittens_  
_And a pair of mittens_  
_And a little toy house_  
_And a young mouse_  
_And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush_  
_And a quiet old lady who was whispering “hush”_

It was a tough time for the Dwarfers. They needed supplies, but Rimmer was obviously in no fit state to join them on their raids and as he was completely defenceless they could not leave him on his own either.  
  
The difficult thing was that, despite the moments with the Cat, Rimmer only really seemed to trust Lister and wanted to be with him at all times. The moment he would even as much as plan to leave the room the Hologram would grab his wrist tightly and look up pleadingly “Listy stay?”. “Come on Arn, I have to be away sometimes.” “Listy back soon?” “Yes, Listy will be back soon.” Aware that Rimmer would probably freak out if he even attempted to leave the ship he programmed Kryten to look out for things he'd look for during loots. On the whole the Android had been of surprisingly little help, during all of this, as he spent most days typing and searching for something in the computer room. This surprised Lister, as Kryten loved caregiving.  
  
Days went by and there was no progress. Rimmer remained locked in the childlike stupor he'd been in since his return. During a loot the Cat had found some toys which he'd given Rimmer, to distract him from Lister a bit. Lister didn't know if he should be happy or sad to watch Rimmer sitting on the floor and actually play with them. A hand pulling at his trousers woke him from his thoughts; it was Rimmer holding up a toy car.  
"Listy play?" Rimmer asked.  
Lister sighed. Why not?  
"Sure Arn, why not?"  
As he sat with Rimmer, Lister went over the last few years over and over again and realised that these last few weeks might be the most time he'd spent with Rimmer since Kryten came on board. What? That shook him. No, wait, that couldn't be right, could it? But the more he thought about it, the more it rang true.  
He stared at the man that was now pushing a toy car towards him and shook his head.  
Was that why he left? Had they been treating Rimmer that badly, ignored him that much?

Trying to calm his nagging conscience Lister left Rimmer to play on the Drive room floor next to his chair, while he went through all the pictures that had found their way onto Starbug and viewed some black box material. It didn't ease his guilt one bit: All the material showed him the same image: three chums and one sad eyed man, barely in the picture. That image hurt. He'd never realised how shut out Rimmer was from their group. On the black box he saw clips that showed that most days Rimmer was barely acknowledged, unless it was for firing jokes at his expense. Every suggestion he made was ignored or laughed off. Seeing it from the outside it seemed rather cruel, and not like the person Lister wanted to be at all. Was this why Rimmer had left? Had it hurt so much that he'd had enough?  
He had to talk to him, he had to know why. He had to fix this!

In the middle of Lister's self chastising Kryten walked in.  
  
“Sir … how is he?”  
  
Lister pointed at Rimmer playing with a sigh. The Android looked sad and shook his head.  
  
“Not much progress. I'm feeling weird man. I keep going over things in my mind … wondering why he left … If he's still there ... I need to talk to him … Kryten, tell me the truth, is there any hope, any way we can reach him?”

“Well … I'd been expecting you to reach breaking point, sir. That is why I have taken the liberty to research fixing a mentally broken hologram.”  
  
“So that was why you were at the computer desk all the time, Kryters?"  
  
The loyal Android nodded. Lister patted his back.

"Brutal. Did you find something?”  
  
“Well yes and no sir. I found nothing concrete but I do have an idea … do you remember when you saved me by entering my dreams, sir?”  
  
“Surprisingly, Kryten that is not something I'd easily forget.”

“So how would you like another visit to Mr Rimmer's mind?”  
  
“Well, I've had better holidays … but if it's the only way ...”  
  
“There is this programme I could install in his lightbee, sir. If I put him to sleep after the installation it will make you able to visit his mind palace and speak to a representation of him. It will be a conversation with his mind and soul, you will be able to assess his condition and get some of the answers you've been looking for.”  
  
“Isn't this selfish to put him through that, Kryten? It's not helping him, is it?”  
  
“Oh, it could be benificial to him as well, sir. He will hear you and talk to you the way he would in reality and even remember the conversation. It could boost his recovery.”  


“In that case, I'm in.”


	5. Rimmer's Mind Palace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finally hears "why", but is it the answer he is looking for?

Wherever Rimmer's mind palace was, it wasn't a happy place, or a palace. It was cold, dark and kind of foggy.

When his virtual eyes slowly became used to the dark, Lister became aware of his surroundings: he was in an old, derelict looking version of Red Dwarf. Rimmer's mind was an old derelict version of Red Dwarf? That Lister had not expected.  
_Find him in the place you expect him to be,_ Kryten had said. Well, on Red Dwarf that was easy …  
  
No, he'd been wrong, Rimmer was not in the Observation Dome. Mainly because … there was no Observation Dome, the dome had crashed and the stairs were bent and rusty. In fact, the entire ship was close to collapse. If this represented Rimmer's mind, then he had cause to worry.  
Where could he be now? Lister wondered. It had to be safe, sort of home …  
  
He opened the door to the bunkroom softly, and peeped round the corner. Was this Rimmer's mind representation of their room? The room was dark, barren, falling apart and the paint was peeling of the walls. The only other thing in the room other than their bunk beds was a portrait on the wall. Lister had to look at it three times before it truly registered: the portrait was of him. He shuddered and turned away, to look inside the bunks. He had to be right this time.  
  
He was: in the deepest corner of the lower bunk, pressed against the wall sat Arnold Rimmer, looking ill and dressed in rags. He was slowly rocking himself and mumbling. This didn't seem much of an improvement on what he had on Starbug, but he'd give it a try.

“Rimmer?”

Rimmer flinched at the unexpected sound and looked up bleary eyed, he seemed amazed by Lister's appearance. Then joy started shining from his eyes.

“Lister? How … how did you get here?”  
  
“Kryten got me in here, to reach you. Help you find your way back.”  
  
“But … but isn't that dangerous?”  
  
“Hey, I've been in your mind before, I've been in Kryten's dreams, nothing scares me.”  
  
Rimmer almost smiled.  
  
“And I just need you back man. We all do …”  
  
Somehow, as he spoke, the room seemed to get a bit brighter, and it was as if his portrait had started glowing. It was too odd.  
  
Lister looked at Rimmer and wondered why he was sitting in such a strange cramped position at the end of the bunk.  
  
“Rimsy, why are you sitting like that? Come sit next to me or lay down …”  
  
To his surprise Rimmer's bottom lip begun to quiver and he looked up at Lister, a world of hurt in his eyes.  
  
“I … I can't Listy … Look …”

Lister came closer and a chill overtook him: Rimmer was chained to the wall. He'd been chained up alone in the dark all this time. The symbolism wasn't lost on him: Rimmer was a prisoner in his own mind.  
  
“My God, Arnie! Smeg!”  
  
He crawled into the bunk and positioned himself as close to Rimmer as he possible could and wrapped an arm around him. Once more the room became slightly brighter.

“What have you done to yourself Arnold?! Why did you leave?” Lister whispered, trying desperately not to cry.  
  
Rimmer looked up at him in surprise.  
  
“Seriously?” He asked, almost sounding angry. “You still haven't figured it out?”  
  
“No Arn, but I'm trying. That's why I'm here.”

Rimmer bit his lip and took several deep breaths. Then he closed his eyes.  
  
“I did it for you …” He finally said, barely audible. "I thought it would solve everything."  
  
This was not what Lister had expected to hear. In fact it couldn't be further from it.  
  
“You wha'? What the smeg you're talking about Rimmer? You left us to die!!”  
  
Rimmer groaned in frustration.  
  
“It … it was a gamble, but I didn't know what else to do. I … I was shaking so much I'd never have got that shot. Then … then I remembered …”  
  
A pause, hazel eyes asking Lister if he got it yet, but no, he did not.  
  
“Got what, Arn?”

“When our future selves burst in on us they told us they escaped because I used the escape pod. You were alive, all of us were. So when we actually landed in that situation you three had described I … I thought it was our only chance.”  
  
“You stupid smegging idiot!!” Lister didn't know why he was so angry, Rimmer hadn't wilfully deserted them after all, but he was, more than ever. “Didn't you remember how furious I was with you? Didn't you think about the fact we might never get you back?! For smeg sake, Arnold!”

“I … I was scared, in that pod … when I knew how long it would take … But I thought you'd be happy to get rid of me at last …”  
  
He leaned his head against the wall, facing away from Lister, his eyes closed, perhaps wanting to sleep. But not now, not like this. Lister grabbed his thin arm and forcefully yanked him back.  
“Oh no, no way man!! You can't just drop a bombshell like that on me and go to snooze!”  
  
He pulled back his hand when he noticed the panic in Rimmer's face at the roughness of his touch and his raised voice. The room became darker again.  
  
“Smeg, sorry Rimmer.”  
  
He softly stroked the Hologram's arm. So it was true, they had hurt him too much. But Lister couldn't accept it, couldn't accept the thought that they'd driven him away. He couldn't accept that their silly jokes had caused a man centuries of pain.  
  
“Hey …” He said, lowering his tone to the one he usually reserved for bunnies. “Come on Rimmer, you can't just tell me that and close down, eh?”  
  
“I … I don't feel so well …”  
  
Lister noted with worry that the man did look paler than he had before.  
  
“Why did you think going for a weird paradox was the best option man? There had to be another way?!”  
  
“You just don't think that well when you've just been told you could drop dead at any second.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Oh, so you don't know that either, after 600 years?”  
  
“Arn, to us you were only gone for about an hour, remember?”  
  
Rimmer chuckled mirthlessly, a strange sound with a slightly deranged undercurrent. Then, in an almost inaudible voice he told Lister about the medical, being told he could die and the blind panic that overtook him on that Simulant ship. Lister listened to Rimmer and shook his head.

"Why didn't you tell me you were ill? I'd never forced you to go there if I'd known. I'm not a monster, Arn."

Rimmer visibly swallowed back tears and looked at Lister.

"I didn't want to worry you ... or disappoint you. I was only just told, moments before we went ... I didn't know how to deal with it. I was so confused. I thought I should just keep it quiet you already thought I was the worst coward in history as it was."

"You should have told me Rimmer, I'm so sorry I made you feel you had to hide this. Smeg ... you really think I wanted to get rid of you?”

Lister couldn't understand why the thought of Rimmer thinking this hurt so much.  
  
“What else could I think? You … don't want me around, do you?”

“What do you mean?”  
  
Oh he knew, he knew, but he couldn't say it, didn't want to admit it.  
  
“Are you telling me you have no idea? No idea about … anything?”  
  
“Of what?”

“You seriously have no idea what you have done to me? How you treated me?” Lister heard a distinct quiver in Rimmer's voice.  
  
“Rimmer …”  
  
“Please leave me alone now Lister.” Rimmer whispered, hanging his head.  
  
Lister got up and walked to the door, raising his hands to clap and leave. Then Rimmer's head suddenly shot up, as the room plunged into darkness.  
  
“Lister, please don't leave me!”  
  
Alarmed by the hysterical panic in the voice Lister hurried back. The Hologram was wide eyed and terrified.

“I'm not leaving. Hey, it's okay, really, I'm not leaving!”  
  
“Don't make me go back there!”  
  
“You are not going anywhere, Arnold. No-one is taking you.”  
  
The lights flickered on and off as Rimmer gasped and rasped for breath. Lister crawled back in the bunk and huddled him in his arms.  
  
Softly he whispered:  
  
_Goodnight room_  
_Goodnight moon_  
_Goodnight cow jumping over the moon_  
_Goodnight light_  
_And the red balloon_  
  
After what seemed like an hour Rimmer finally calmed down. Lister had to swear to him on everything he knew that he would never make him go back there. That no-one would make him go back.  
  
“No-one will ever make you go back there Arnold. I'll make sure. I'll protect you. From now on I will look after you.”

Those words had a profound effect: Rimmer was calm now, leaning against him as much as the chains would allow. The room was light again, and his portrait was glowing. Why the portrait, what did it represent? Was he that important to Rimmer? He'd never known.  
On the other hand, in his reality the Hologram was completely reliant on him, refused to be parted from him for even a minute.  
The urgency with which Rimmer mentally depended on him now scared Lister. He remembered how Holly had chosen Rimmer to keep him sane. _“Guess it's my turn now …”_ Lister thought.  
  
_“He's been tortured and abused for nearly six hundred years,”_ a voice in his head said, _“what do you expect?”  
_  
He had to fight back more tears, watching Rimmer drift to sleep chained to the wall and wished he could get him the professional help he so clearly needed. This was no life, he sensed. He had to get him free.  
Looking at the Hologram he thought back at all he'd been saying. Most of it had been rambling, but … the sentence _“You have no idea”_ kept coming back. What had he been missing?  
He had to get out of this virtual world and back to the real world to talk to Cat and Kryten. But how, how could he leave this helpless creature?  
  
“Rimmer …” He whispered. “I have to get back to the real world now, to look after you. Is that okay?”  
  
“I won't be alone long, will I?”  
  
“No, no. You're sleeping in reality and I will be with you when you wake up.”  
  
“Then it's okay. I'm so sorry …”  
  
“What? Why?”  
  
“For the mess I made of everything. For … doing this to you. I … I really hoped we'd gone back in the past when you brought me home …”  
  
“You mean when you told the other Rimmer …?”  
  
“Yes, I hoped to stop me … to undo this.”  
  
“Was that what upset you so much when we got home?”  
  
Rimmer nodded.  
  
“Hey, look on the bright side, atleast you know you will be well again.”  
  
“You think so?”  
  
“I'm sure. You're stronger than you think.”  
  
“I am?”  
  
“I'm sure you are: you survived so much. You're strong and you will beat this too, Arnold.”

For some odd reason Lister felt compelled to stroke Rimmer's cheek. The moment he did the room went bright and it was as if Rimmer's chains became a little looser.  
  
“Lister …” Rimmer said softly. “I never wanted to leave you … I … I was just hurt. I could never leave … unless you told me so. When you told me you would come for me all I wanted was to come back."  
  
“Rimmer …”  
  
Lister sat quiet for a moment: _“Are you telling me you have no idea? No idea about … anything?”_ His mind played a strange montage of all their years together. It suddenly hit home that in most of this montage Rimmer had been unhappy, depressed even, as he had seen on the pictures as well. But looking back he also saw Rimmer waiting, waiting and longing but for what … for him?  
Then he remembered something else.  
  
_“What I don't understand is why he endured it, for so long. He could have ended it all, simply by switching off.”_

“Rimmer you were tortured and abused for six hundred years. Kept in the dark, mocked … If you were so unhappy, why did you never ...”

“Switch myself of? Oh sometimes I longed for that when the pain got too much but ... but I never could. I had a duty given by Holly and this one I could not fail. I could not fail you just because it would be easier for me. The moment Holly turned me on I swore to myself I would complete my mission ... Even if I had to wait 600 years in a jail to complete it.”

“You knew you could switch of but ... you waited those 600 years just ... for me?” Lister felt as if he would throw up, that was too much to take. For some reason he was reminded of when they were captured on that PsiMoon and the only way to get them off was telling Rimmer he loved him. His spirit soared and his confidence rose. A few moments later they had laughed at him and told him it was a joke. That was when he begun to fall out of the picture. Had they broken his heart then? Was that why he was in this mind prison? He had never said anything, but …  
  
“Rimmer …” He said softly. “Listen to me. I'm going back now, as I said. But … but I want you to remember … I am proud of you, so proud for holding out for so many years, for … waiting. I am so happy you did … because … if you'd have switched off and let them crush you … I would have missed you so much. You're part of the team and we need you. All of us. Did you see how the Cat cares about you? He doesn't want me to know, but I saw him look after you, talking to you now you're ill. And Kryten spent ages trying to find a way for me to reach you. We all miss you and want you to heal. We're here for you.”  
  
Bright light started rising and the chains loosened. Rimmer looked at him in wonder and delight. “Lister … You mean that? You really mean it? I … I can't … Thank you.”  
Lister looked at him: he was still chained, but was able to move now. Rimmer seemed oblivious of that. He still sat in the same cramped position as he had when Lister first came in.  
“Hey, Arn, did you notice? Your chains are loser. You can lay down now, if you like.”  
Rimmer frowned in surprise. “I … I can move?”  
“Yes … Well, a bit. Come, let's get you comfortable.”  
Lister eased the stiffened Hologram onto the bed in a comfortable position, all the while wondering what this shift may have done to his real life counterpart.  
“I'm still not well there, Listy. In … real life … I might not be ready to get out yet.” Rimmer suddenly said. “Please be patient.”  
“I will. You just rest, both of you.”  
  
_Goodnight bears  
Goodnight chairs_  
_Goodnight kittens_  
_And goodnight mittens_  
_Goodnight clocks_  
_And goodnight socks_


	6. "Goodnight Rimmer"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer comes "home" ...

“You're dense bud …” The Cat had said when Lister had returned to reality and talked about his experience. “Think about it: he comes alive when you say you care, he waits six hundred years for you, he's completely fixated on you and the only thing in that entire room was a picture of you. I'm not suggesting anything, but I sure know what that tells me!!”  
Lister knew what it told him too. But it was to early for him to do anything about it.

Lister had waited for Rimmer to wake up in medi-bay, as he had promised, hoping that there was some improvement. Sadly, as Rimmer's counterpart had warned him, he wasn't ready. Although Lister could see his eyes were slightly calmer now, more aware and confident, which was an improvement.  
  
“Listy here …?” Rimmer had mumbled.  
  
“Yes, I kept my promise. Remember?”  
  
Rimmer had nodded.  
  
“I'm going to keep my other promises too Arn: I'll be taking care of you, spend some time with you and show you that we care. I'm sorry you felt left out for so long, but we're gonna change that, okay?”  
  
Rimmer had taken his hand and gazed up at him with what seemed contentment. Lister felt oddly moved and had that strange urge to touch his cheek again. He didn't know why, but he cared for this man, deeply. Almost losing him had made him sure about that.  
  
The days went by, and there were some mild improvements. Rimmer spoke a little and acknowledged his surroundings. Despite that it was obvious that he was no-where near the man he used to be. He was still easily startled and the nightmares continued night after night.  
Fed up with jumping from the top bunk at-least ten times a night to calm Rimmer, Lister decided to try something new. One night he simply crawled into the bottom bunk, next to the Hologram.  
  
The result was astonishing: he'd feared Rimmer would be scared or embarrassed, but no. Instead the Hologram looked as if he felt safe at last and slept his first uninterrupted sleep in weeks – and so did Lister.  
Waking up the next morning, Lister found Rimmer snuggled into his arms breathing calmly. He looked happy and peaceful. Lister would never be able to explain what it was about this that really got him. Maybe it was the feeling that … Rimmer was home at last. A lump formed in Lister's throat and he really had to do his best not to move as he felt tears welling up. He gently butterflied Rimmer's back.  
  
“You're just scared of being left alone again, aren't ya? Don't worry, I'll never leave you.”  
  
Maybe Rimmer heard it, maybe he sensed it, but the man nestled deeper into Lister's arms and smiled for the first time in … Lister couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Rimmer smile.  
“Things will be different from now on.” Lister thought.  
Rimmer had waited for him, and he would be there for him whatever it took. He never wanted him to feel alone again.

 _Goodnight little house_  
_And goodnight mouse_  
_Goodnight comb_  
_And goodnight brush_  
_Goodnight nobody_  
_Goodnight mush_  
_And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”_  
_Goodnight stars_  
_Goodnight air_  
_Good night noises everywhere_  
  
Lister gently kissed the top of Rimmer's head and whispered:  
  
“Goodnight Rimmer …”


End file.
